Thus begins the second Holiday Form Letter from Africa (initial version 2002).  Because I can email it, I will make it as long as it needs to be and keep the type-size large enough, so a few of you will be more than satisfied and the rest of you won’t even have to get up to go to the trash.  I am sorry some of you didn’t get it directly, but I only have so many email addresses.  For those not up to date, I am in Zambia, living in the South Luangwa Valley right next to one of the world’s largest and best wildlife parks (of the same name).  I share my yard frequently with elephants, baboons, and giraffes, run the crowded road of the town of Mfuwe, and serve as “The Doctor” to a group of game lodges and at a small (free) local clinic.  I spent the first six months of 2008 working in Williamsport, PA, and the second job I had there was so bad I actually quit early in July.  That move gave me an extra three weeks to travel and tremendous satisfaction.  The location served me well otherwise, as I was able to spend a lot of time with my family and had only a short trip to my brother’s wedding, where I was at last officially acknowledged as The Best Man.  I left for Zambia Sept. 9th and arrived in Lusaka the 11th.  I lived there for 3 weeks, volunteering some at an AIDS clinic and reading and writing a lot (which continues).  I am on call here 60/168 (useful, eh?), so I can’t wander far, and it is quite dangerous at night outside the house.  It feels good to be back in Africa, but I will return to the US in time for my 45th birthday.  Things have not worked out the way I hoped otherwise, and Zambia is not very hospitable overall (very expensive, woeful infrastructure and picky about permits and visas).  And now, the entertainment….

 

If I were a superhero, these would be my powers

  1. Snore-proof giant nostrils
  2. Irresistible legs for dog or dog-like-villain* licking
  3. Stomach enlarged by radioactive hog bite
  4. Colonic linear particle accelerator (might require specially designed costume)
  5. Large-piece-of-cake capacity oral cavity
  6. Indefatigable fidgeting (to annoy the more sedate evil-doers**)
  7. Nearly Undetectable Hypocrisy
  8. Darwin’s Tubercle***
  9. Political Prophesy (you should have saved those old letters, doubters)
  10.  Resistance to Cell Phones
  11.  Bonus power: Extra long ……… Christmas card.

*something like a werewolf, or maybe those gamma-radiated dogs from that first Hulk movie (the one with Jennifer Connelly).

** It is a well-known fact that only the evil are annoyed by fidgeting (see also Ezekiel 23:20-21).

***Only funny to Robert O’Reilly, and not that funny to him.  See Bates Physical Exam, or Google.

 

Great Books: Growth of the Soil (Knut Hamsun), War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy – oh, to write like him!); Worthwhile to read to find out how the world really works, Perfectly Legal (David Cay Johnson) and The Secret History of the American Empire (John Perkins). Great Music: Silverchair – “Diorama” (a classic, from 2002), Good music: the Fratellis – “Here We Stand”; The Dissociatives; some of those old ELO songs are pretty good, too (right now I am liking “Sweet is the Night”).  Best TV Show ever still The Colbert Report (replaced the Simpsons after 1st episode of Tek Jansen).

 

 

As much that really comprises modern America (home ownership as investment, unmitigated greed, conspicuous consumption, willful ignorance, self-righteousness, thinly-veiled racism and xenophobia) is staring at us in the mirror as the world crashes around and with us, perhaps it presents us with the opportunity to remake the USA into what some people mistakenly think it already is - an example of what can be done when people work together to make a country something more than the sum of its parts, a country that is the best it can be to as many as possible instead of to the super-rich few, an example of justice and fairness throughout the world.  In our representative democracy, I think it is supposed to be our choice, after all, and it looks like we might be off to a good start for the next four years.

 

Ten Easy Ways to Make a Difference in Zambia

10. Use abundant elephant turds to fill the equally abundant potholes.

9.  I’m sure there are nine other things, but it is really hot and I’m wishing I had some ice cream.  They might want to try a little prohibition in Mfuwe (definitely not easy), or put recycling bins for glass near the road (there is, by the way, only one road, though it is briefly divided) where everyone smashes their bottles during their evening socializing.  If anyone has a lot of money and lots of ideas about infrastructure improvements (I only have this part), this is the place to try things out.

 

Eco-friendly tips you won’t hear elsewhere

  1. Drive in the highest gear possible with the tinted windows up when being chased by paparazzi.
  2. If you live in India or Siberia, don’t encroach on or kill any tigers (and while you’re at it, keep your music a little less shrieky, especially you, Siberians)
  3. Natural light is always cheaper (but it makes that sex tape you were thinking about shooting a little less likely to be legal).
  4. Adjusting the tire pressure on your pull cart may help you reduce your energy expended per round, but you need to burn more, fat ass.  Pick up the pace, too!
  5. If you are comfortable, you are using too much energy.

 

It’s the little things that allow Africa to grow on you…..

1.     When I walk around camp shirtless****, none of the many monkeys feels my back is hairy enough to have anything worth checking for (a good thing?).

2.     Toilets flush so hard only the strongest crocodiles could swim up the pipes against the current, and they’re WAY too big to fit.

3.     My house may be infested with beetles (no, they’re not Dung Beetles), but there are lots worse things in Africa with which to be infested.

4.     It got so hot by the late morning the clinic’s thermometers no longer worked.

5.     Who would think that you would see more people on a 6am run in Mfuwe than at 8:30am in Manhattan?

6.     The other side of the pillow here is not cooler, but it is usually a bit drier.

7.     The cost of a gallon of unleaded gasoline in Zambia was just over $10 in October (after a pre-election price cut – the incumbent won - but before the dollar strengthened).

8.     Everyone should get to experience giraffes in the neighborhood.  There isn’t a more enjoyable species to have around.

****I never walk around the camp shirtless.  I get enough bug bites as it is on my back.

 

Lexicon 2008, the Neologisms

  1. Sweatstache – a chronically sweaty upper lip due to heat or tension (remember Nathan Thurm?) (Martin Short, SNL?)(interviewed by a fake Mike Wallace?) (“Is it me?”)
  2. Religious tolerance – not forcing your religious beliefs on others and leaving them alone to practice their beliefs as long as they do the same.  We all need to be reminded of that from time to time, as it is what first set the USA apart (in theory, as its practice has been eternally spotty).
  3. Fox-Newsledge – the mistaken belief that one can rely on especially this (but really any) cable news network for anything resembling the truth (currently available with jokes on Comedy Central from 11-12 weeknights).
  4. Geniass (“jean-yass”) – any of the extremely biased commentators on the aforementioned cable networks.  Who would have guessed 60 years ago that this many boneheads would be well paid to make stuff up and repeat other made-up stuff on camera now?
  5. Stupid Syndrome – a widespread affliction involving low intelligence, poor judgment, and impaired impulse control.  Usually identified by 3 or more (but most likely to include seven or more) of the following: tobacco use; multiple tattoos (diagnostic if more than one lover’s name is found); morbid obesity; DUIs and/or a history of jail time; having more than one vehicle on the property that doesn’t run; dangerous dog ownership; ponytails on men; high/low riding pick-up truck ownership; NRA membership; lack of shirt in public (not during exercise); multiple activity-related long bone fractures; appearing on reality TV; fewer teeth than intact fingers (number of teeth must usually be greater than zero – actually wearing dentures may be disqualifying unless they were made for someone else); displaying a Confederate flag on anything other than toilet paper. It can result in less visible signs and symptoms such as: voting Republican despite being poor; prescription and illegal drug abuse, especially the sale of the former right outside the pharmacy; television viewing of over 5 hrs/day (if those hours include wrestling on pay-per-view, the diagnosis is assured); attachment to significant other with the syndrome.  Not to be confused with Being a Dick (owning a Hummer/playing loud music at all hours/cheating on your spouse/touching people inappropriately/currently occupying the office of Vice President of the USA/threatening to withhold the Eucharist from anyone who votes for a Democrat/thinking this letter is not funny).  Stupid syndrome appears primarily to be learned, as it is not found in every culture, though genetics play a significant role.  It has reached epidemic proportions due to current American cultural trends, poor role models and educational system failures, but social historians can surely identify similar phenomena in other eras.  It is often fatal, though modern medicine has made the Syndrome less likely to result in premature death, allowing more time for those afflicted to procreate to society’s great loss.  It is not all negative, as it does enhance revenue production through additional sales of cigarettes, alcohol and lottery tickets.
  6. W-Bushed – so tired of our current president that you stopped thinking of him as even being in office months ago.
  7. The Roman Anti-Abortionic Church – Subgroup of Catholics who seem to think there is only one thing that matters in this world and don’t understand why everyone else doesn’t agree with them.
  8. Forgetness – goes beyond forgiveness to not even remembering who wronged you and how.  A saintly virtue, unless you just have memory problems.

 

There may be people who do not accept the underlying scientific principles of Evolution and natural selection as the explanation for the current earthly population of living things, but it is hard to deny that some things are either destined not to survive or are already extinct:

  1. Caucasian-American graduate students in Mathematics
  2. Bush family political possibilities
  3. The South Luangwa Valley wildlife trails runner
  4. The $17 music CD.
  5. Company pension plans
  6. The Concept of Computer Security
  7. Out of all touch with reality executive compensation in publicly traded companies
  8. Reasonable Republican voters

 

Sponsors of this year’s letter provided its author nothing other than their (good?) will:  Proflight Zambia: not letting old planes go to waste; The Community Health Center, Williamsport – first stop after your prison release in central Pennsylvania; John McCain’s soul – badly used after being sold by its previous owner, but still has value to some; Gilbert the Elephant - will eat nearly anything, but specializes in thatched roofs; Mfuwe Running Club – one sweaty doctor and hundreds of curious spectators (does my running look that odd?); Saucon Valley’s Grace Course – nice enough to keep you liking your financial planner; Malaria – and you thought Miley Cyrus was overrated (only 4 confirmed cases out of the hundreds that have presented complaining of it); Positive Living Handbook – one of the best beetle killers I’ve ever used; “Duct” Tape – don’t leave the country without it; Sarah Palin – take your garbled syntax back under that rock; MacBook Laptops – I wasn’t sold on these last year, but they always seem to work well, even in tough conditions; Lusaka, Zambia – less dusty than Afghanistan; MVP Sports drink – Oh, Wegmans, where are you when a parched guy needs a drink?  And the price can’t be beaten, just like the taste of your peanut butter; Risky Investments – if there is a chance you could lose all your money in an investment, you’d best be prepared for that to happen.  I’m tired of bailing you out when it does.  No one has given me back any of the money I’ve lost (I’m looking at you, Tom Collier. I haven’t perfected forgetness yet); Bush Supporters – 26% of Americans still report they are satisfied with the job our president is doing.  Who are these people, and why are they sponsoring this letter?  Watkins Glen Race Track – a place where even an intellectual fitness nut who dislikes wasting fuel, irresponsible driving, shirtless people, loud noises and corporate sponsorships can have a great time (depends most on who takes you).

 

While it may seem “cool” or “awesome” to get to spend over 3 months essentially in an African game park, it has required a monumental sacrifice in regards to comfort.  There is not one thing I do every day that I can do in a way similar to how I prefer doing it.  While it was not particularly humid, it was routinely 100deg F in my house and my workplace in October and early November for hours (it was often over 110+ in the sun), and it would only cool some days to around 94deg in the house by bedtime (It has cooled down, but gotten muggier, in the rainy season, which began in November).  I am constantly struggling with insects (much worse than it sounds, as some are dangerous); must keep alert for elephants and hippos everywhere I go; have to eat most of my meals, which have only modest, un-American portions, at a restaurant alone (frequently while the power is out); run on a hot, crowded street or in dangerous areas where I face a limited but real risk of being attacked by animals; have to fight off water damage from anything other than vertical rain; carry a cell phone with me everywhere; and sweat amounts few could imagine.  Anyone considering adventures must be prepared for discomforts of various kinds, and I am and was.  In fact, I seem to be thriving despite all the adversity, which is what something like this is all about for someone like me.  There is no “comfort zone” here, and perhaps that is the way life in general should be.  But no, if I had the chance to do it again, I wouldn’t.  I could put up with worse for something worthwhile, but this has not been worth it (so far).

 

Thanks again to all I visited: Mom and Dad, Kathy and Greg Wright (3 times!), Greg and Michael (2 states), Joe and Mary Morehouse, Rich and Susan Peller, Bonnie and Rob, Toni and Luke Kilyk, and Rob and Susan O’Reilly.  So many fond memories: arguing about the heat/air conditioning; laughing at DVDs; walking the streets of Manhattan in fierce downtown winds and racing up New Milford’s steepest hill; making putt after putt at Northland; the monster under the boat; Ask Buddha; the beehives/jam factory/wine room; the DuPont CC.  May God bless you all for your generosity to His humble servant (and for having me by as well).  Thanks especially to the Smith family for coming all the way from Texas to visit my lovely home state and test my hospitality.  Sorry that hospitality couldn’t be tested in Zambia, but you are much better off where you are.

 

Obviously, I love to travel, and after I return to the US to make some money (at an Indian Reservation near Phoenix starting in February), I hope again to fulfill a dream of working and living in Ireland for a good chunk of 2009 (if they will only come to their senses and allow me to).  I am still looking for a situation in Africa to go back and forth to, and have Australia and a return to New Zealand on the back burner.  I want to go to Rome and back to see other parts of Italy, finally get to Paris, and would love to have company on a golf trip to Bandon Dunes (if I can get to playing better), so if you’re interested, keep me posted.

 

Some of you may recall me discussing a book about my time in Swaziland (and about my life in general).  I had enough downtime in Zambia to really tackle it and got it (roughly) done and am now getting feedback from various invaluable sources as to its fate.  At this point it is fairly interesting and entertaining but also brutally honest and likely not fit for most consumption, but I may yet tame it, unleash it anyway, or file it away.

 

 

Prophesies, 2009+

  1. Making everyone buy health insurance will not improve anyone’s health.
  2. Abortion rates will be lower under Obama than Bush.
  3. Fewer people will die or go to hell due to Gay Marriage than handgun ownership.
  4. Quotes from the Bible will be used to justify more stupid decisions than good ones.  By the way, if you looked up that Bible verse above, I got you good!
  5. “National Service” will no longer mean licking the boots of the militarypetrochemicalindustrial complex.
  6. Millions of doubters will be amazed to see what the world is like when someone competent is in charge.
  7. George W. Bush will never again make a list of the top 100 most influential people in the world.
  8. This has been Joe Paterno’s last season.
  9. I will spend less money on things than any year since I started making doctor money.
  10.  More rappers than athletes will be busted for steroid and HGH abuse.

 

I am still best reached by email at tlorourkejr@pol.net and do not own a cell phone (nobody calls me anyway).  Your cards and letters will eventually find me back at

209 W. Market St.

Danvjlle, PA 17821-1820

If you dial 570-275-2979, you will reach my parents’ home.  They cannot be trusted with classified information but usually know how to get in touch with me otherwise, and every once in a while I am there and answer the phone.

 

I hope you’ve had a good year and hope to hear from you soon.  Have a great holiday season and 2009!

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