Seasons Greetings!
2010 was a good year for me. I left in mid-January for 6 months in New Zealand: same town (Waimate), same job (Oak House), and new boss (a big improvement!). I had some good new adventures, and it was nice seeing some of the same beautiful spots again. This time I also popped over to Sydney for the first time: great city. I returned to the US in July after the usual bungy jump, sky swing, and shivering indoors to a nice, relaxing summer that went on a bit too long. There was enough time for a quick trip back to Bermuda (I left just before the hurricane hit), but I couldn’t make myself get on a plane to visit anyone else. I was idle until departing for Arusha, Tanzania October 14th. I am living in a little house on the outskirts and commuting to a small Catholic hospital in the city. It is not a perfect setting (not even close to as good as Swaziland!), but I am helping out a bit and hope to do more and work at some other places. So, 5 countries in all, two of them new (and I was in India until right before Christmas last year). I have taken on a lot of public speaking, giving a talk to a women’s group in NZ (on African women!), a talk about how not to be a bad doctor at Moravian College, and multiple grand rounds and student lectures here in Tanzania. For someone as shy as I am, I have few qualms about getting in front of strangers and prattling on and on.
I worked on this card/letter/torture in spurts all year, inspired by referring to myself as a “humorist” on my new business cards. I hope you will enjoy the effort if not the jokes.
Ten Things you don’t want to hear me say on a golf course:
10. That 10 I made on 17 cost you $70.
9. Yeah, your ball is over here, on this turd. Yeah, the turd is mine.
8. When you throw your putter, you should aim to the right of where you want it to go, just like you do with your putts.
7. Before you hit this shot, can I ask if you have accepted Jesus as your personal Saviour?
6. If I were trying to hit you, I would have missed by way more than that.
5. Don’t stand down wind of me just now, OK?
4. I think that is casual water, if by casual water you mean Greg’s urine.
3. I’d play it from there if I were you. That’s not a poisonous snake.
2. When I played with Nicklaus, he hit one like that, except it was longer and straighter and landed on the green near the flag.
1. I think when you swing and miss it should count twice.
My golf game was not good most of the year. I think I only broke 80 once and generally hit the ball poorly. I was ready to give up the game until Mike Guro pledged to get me playing better and inspired me to practice here with a long metal rod I found (you will have to provide your own long metal rod jokes).
Fitness update: I was really running well in the barefoot shoes until I developed pain and numbness in the right foot. I had to back off and eventually give up on the Vibram Five Fingers (they are useful water shoes, though). I really worked out hard otherwise the rest of the year and added some new exercises I really enjoy, finally doing more for my “core.” I am pleased with how things are going in Tanzania with my running and home gym, and I am hard to please.
Ten Super Hero graphic novels that were rejected this year:
10. The Screener: So Many Prostates; So Little Benefit.
9. Bible Quoter: Nehemiah 7: 61-69
8. Bailout Bonus Man: Whom Do You Call in the Treasury Department When You Need to Build More Garages for the 2011 German Luxury Cars?
7. Locavore: Are These Red Peppers Sustainable at $1.99/lb?
6. Nighttime Hiker: Small Towns in Kentucky with Adequate Street Lights
5. Spicy Eater: Can You Make that Really Hot?
4. Solar Man: The Infinite Drying Power of Proper Clothes Hanging
3. Untalented Jogger: That Hill Is Really Hard. I Mean It.
2. The Phlebotomist: I Suck Blood, Too! Isn’t That Cool, Jaded Teens?
1. The Peacemaker: Pursuant to Article 4, Paragraph 12: Transit Zones
Proverbs and Aphorisms with a Twist
10. “You can’t get blood from a stone,” but you could use a stone to get blood from Mitch McConnell (for example; applies to all elected turtle-human hybrids).
9. “Man does not live on bread alone” but it is pretty good with some quince jelly.
8. “The early bird gets the worm” but they’re on sale at Walmart all day if you need some and want to sleep in.
7. “A penny saved is a penny earned,” but don’t call me until you’ve saved 100,000.
6. “Don’t put the Lord God to the test” unless you really deserve to be blessed with a new 12,000 square foot house with no down payment and an ARM.
5. “It’s better to light one candle than curse the darkness” unless everyone just had beans.
4. “There is nothing to fear but fear itself”, but fear is really, really scary.
3. “An apple a day will keep the doctor away” but you have to have extremely good aim.
2. “Haste makes waste” especially if you have a really fast internet connection.
1. “It’s better to keep quiet and be thought intelligent than to open your mouth and reveal your ignorance” unless you work for a 24 Hour news channel (ignorance directly proportional to salary, especially, but not limited to, Fox). “A fool has no delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own opinion.” Proverbs 18:2
Reading: It is hard for me to believe how much I read this year. It helped to be without TV most of the time (if you want a better life overnight, turn off the TV and do something else until you go to bed early). Good books: Charles Dickens, David Copperfield (great, easily one of my all time favorites); Flann O’Brien, The Third Policeman (unusual); George Eliot, Adam Bede; Thomas Hardy, Tess of the D’Ubervilles; Jon Krakauer, Under the Banner of Heaven and Where Men Win Glory: The Odyssey of Pat Tillman (both powerful nonfiction books I cannot recommend more highly); John Cornwell, Hitler’s Pope and Seminary Boy; David Halberstam, The Coldest Winter (yet more proof war is never worth the fighting); David Owen, Green Metropolis (it is a very good book, but he also gets a mention because he returns my emails). I bought the new generation Kindle when it came out the end of August and it has been one of my best purchases. I have 14 books yet to read while here (I finally slogged through Tristram Shandy….- don’t bother, same with Freedom by Jonathan Franzen), plus Dante’s Divine Comedy to reread (and a Scrabble game), and I am able to get the New Yorker and Atlantic over the internet instead of waiting for them to arrive in the African post. I also have a Bible on it, so it saved many pounds from my luggage.
Unsolicited Advice
I’ve grown up in a relatively large family, traveled a lot, and spent a lot of time with people and observing their behavior. Almost everyone I’ve met is a decent person, but I cannot tell you how many times I have cringed witnessing arguments and discussions. The world would be a much better place if everyone could restrain themselves from saying that last hurtful thing, that unnecessary sentence or phrase meant to inflict a parting injury. Whatever you may gain is not worth it – take the high road.
Parsing Words: When someone says….
“America is a Christian Nation” – that is correct if by “Christian” they mean “money-worshipping materialist” and by “Nation” they mean “people who are looking out for themselves first.”
Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh are “entertainers”, they must be entertained by flabby guys who make asses of themselves every time they open their mouths (and the rest of the time as well).
Barack Obama is a “tyrant” and/or a “fascist,” they make sense if when they say “Barack Obama” they mean themselves and/or the people they associate with and vote for.
Comedy is easy 101: rejected new car names:
10. Spinout 9. Weaver 8. Pole Hitter (my mom likes this one) 7. Breakdown 6. Leaker 5. Wobbler 4. PassMe 3. Stall 2. Smoker 1. Abruption
My music purchases were down. I picked up a few oldies but goodies (“Live Rust” anyone?), but for new music: I heard a great song by a New Zealand group: “Youngblood” by The Naked and Famous – can be downloaded from their website for a dollar – the video is good as well, on youtube I’m sure), and got good albums by The Trashcan Sinatras, “In the Music”; Colin Devlin, “Democracy of One”; and the Goo Goo Dolls, “Something for the Rest of Us”
Travel Notes:
-New Zealand has the best cereal and the best yogurt (available in large one kg tubs) but some of the worst, most thoughtless drivers I have seen (who else speeds up when you try to overtake them?).
-Both Tanzania and Kerala have a surplus of very beautiful women and a paucity of men with any appeal at all.
-I am continually amazed at the relatively mild New Zealand winter’s ability to chill one to the bone on a daily basis. Even my little cement-block house in Tanzania retains the heat of the day better than those Kiwi homes.
-Arusha has the worst city services I have ever seen. There is not a dustbin in sight, the water is off more than it is on, and the electricity is maddeningly erratic except that it is never there when you really want it. Lonely Planet ranked it 8th Worst City to visit.
Comedy is easy 101: Rejected Sports Team Names:
10. Mushy Peas 9. Depressives 8. Hollers 7. Nightcrawlers 6. Panties (this ranking also takes into account the less commonly considered “Pantaloons”) 5. Flat Tires 4. Tinkerbells 3. Septics 2. Flaccid Members 1. Failures
Worst-Case-Scenario Future Headlines:
10. Euro-butter Trading at 0.76 Amish-butter After Butter Standard Adopted by WTO and IMF
9. Pope Gingrich (yes, he became a Catholic) Sets Divorce Limit at Three
8. President Britney: More Questions Than Answers
7. Jesus, at His Second Coming, Startles Everyone with His First Words: “Party On, Bikers!”
6. Amazing Cancer Cure Also Causes You to Like Wrestling
5. Squirrel Farming Lucrative Alternative to Python Farm Glut
4. Wait for Airport Security Check Is Now at 4 Days: Enema Stations Blamed
3. $66 Billion Giant Broom Nearly Operational for Dust Bowl Cleanup.
2. James Cameron’s New Movie, “Serotonin”, Downloads into Your Brain as He Films It.
1. “Tea Party” Candidate Christine O’Donnell Finally Admits She Is a Witch: Says Her Only Spell Is to Get People to Vote Against Their Own Interests While Angry
What can I say about America that hasn’t already been said? Our justice system is rarely about justice, our health care doesn’t make us healthy, our defense is used in offensive ways, and some of our best minds devote their lives to making a large pile of money much larger without actually doing anything productive with it. Yet somehow, day to day, it has allowed the majority of people to live a fairly good life. I think I have stumbled on the reason why: we have spent well over $10 trillion that we don’t have. You give that money to India, China, even Russia, and then see what happens to them. Unfortunately, a lot of Americans have made a lot of bad decisions based on poor information in the past few months, and the abyss is getting closer than ever before. Makes it easier to live as an expat.
Quotes:
- “You find as you look around the world that every single bit of progress in humane feeling, every improvement in the criminal law, every step toward the better treatment of the colored races, every mitigation of slavery, every moral progress that there has been in the world, has been consistently opposed by the organized churches of the world…” Bertrand Russell
- “The best lack all conviction while the worst are full of passionate intensity…” William Butler Yeats, “The Second Coming”
- “The evil of militarism is not that it shows certain men to be fierce and haughty and excessively warlike {though it does – T.O’.}. The evil of militarism is that it shows most men to be tame and timid and excessively peaceable. The professional soldier gains more and more power as the general courage of the community declines.” G.K. Chesterton
- “There are six things which Yahweh hates; yes seven which are an abomination to Him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue; hands that shed innocent blood; a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are swift in running to mischief, a false witness who utters lies, and he who sows discord among brothers.” Proverbs, 6:16-19. Sounds like every current Republican politician I’ve heard of…
- “The alternate dominations of one faction over another, sharpened by the spirit of revenge, natural to party dissension, which in different ages and countries has perpetrated the most horrid enormities, is itself a frightful despotism.” George Washington.
- “Maren, who came to regard humanitarianism as every bit as damaging to its subjects as colonialism, and vastly more dishonest, takes a dimmer view: that we do not really care about those to whom we send aid, that our focus is our own virtue. He quotes these lines of the Somali poet Ali Dhux: “A man tries hard to help you find your lost camels. He works more tirelessly than even you. But in truth he does not want you to find them, ever.” From “Alms Dealers”, by Philip Gourevitch, the New Yorker, Oct 11, 2010
Every religion (and life in general) is full of paradoxes, and I have for a long time thought that the following one is quite true, especially in the last year as I have intensified my own internal debate about what is important in this world and how we are to approach new challenges. My paradox is the closer you feel you are to God and to understanding Him, the farther you are from Him and His truth. I honestly think now the most divine state a human can be in is sincere doubt: doubting yourself, God’s purpose for you and the world, and what you are to think about it all. The holiest men and women in history were filled with agonizing doubts yet kept going, doing what they felt was God’s will, trying to help people in any way they could to leave the world a better place for all. The scariest people are those who are sure they know what is right for themselves and everyone else. They are frequently wrong and always unwilling to accept that fact.
As always, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my parents who let me stay with them when I am off the road and let me borrow their cars when I need them (I need only listen to their stories in return, but sometimes that doesn’t seem a fair trade off). Not having my own car is a bit of a drag when I am home, but it would be more of a drag when I am gone (if I had one it would be one of the new VW clean diesels). Thanks also to Dr. O. Fred Miller for his solid gold advice and his Garry Wills books, his son Greg and Michael for their helpfulness and hospitality (and classic books), the Wakelys for their continual good cheer and lack of complaining (and their house and huge car in Bermuda), Barney Clayton for getting me back to New Zealand and taking good care of me, Greg and Kathy Wright in Roanoke who seem honestly happy to see me, the Guros (despite my losing every game of ping pong I played there) and to Amazon.com for coming up with the Kindle. I gripe about this world and how it all works, but my life continues to be great and blessed. I have no unmet needs or wants and could safely say I don’t even need your prayers, though I appreciate them. Here in Tanzania I do miss The Colbert Report and The Daily Show, ice cream, and drinking water right from the tap (with loud slurping noises), but those are small sacrifices when you see how the people I am around get through the day.